Six months symptom free. My therapist’s goal for me is to not have any hypomanic or depressive episodes for the next six months. It seems like a good goal to work toward. Perhaps, that’s an indicator that I no longer need his services. Perhaps, my illness will then be considered to be in remission. Call it what you want, I’d love to be symptom free.

I’m tired of med changes and their side effects. One day I feel strong, the next I feel weak. My body feels foreign. Sensations intensify. Depression hits just as I get home from work. I can’t fall asleep; I’m restless. Yet I’m so tired that I can’t stay awake just two hours after taking my meds. My mind and body fight to stay awake and go to sleep at the same time. My hands shake; my whole body trembles. I’m confident and I doubt myself. My evenings are shortened by taking my meds early so I can stay awake at work. 

When can I fit in any writing? How can I concentrate in order to be able to write?

What are med side effects and what are bipolar symptoms?

Tomorrow I increase my meds again. I’m far from being symptom free. Free of mixed episodes.

The Rainbow Center is not a drop-in center, nor does it have any connection to the gay and lesbian population. Rather, it is a clubhouse in Des Moines, Iowa, completely run by the severely mentally ill. The “work” of maintaining the clubhouse is the the rehabilitation program. The camaraderie and opportunities to learn new skills have drawn a couple hundred members. As I walked through the clubhouse, I felt a sense of acceptance. Every single person in the building had a mental illness; I wasn’t alone.

My doctor told me that he would not see me if I chose not to go on Lithium as he prescribed. The recovery movement emphasizes the empowerment of those with mental illnesses to make informed decisions about their treatment with their doctors and other professionals. My doctor left me no choice.

He believes that Lamictal and Geodon is not an effective long-term treatment. Instead, he feels that Lamictal and Lithium is a better choice. He may or may not be right; I don’t know. I have two psychiatrists telling me two different things. I will have to do my own research and make my own decision.

What bothers me is that one psychiatrist is forcing me into a corner and will not allow me to make my own decision. After all, I’ll be the one who will live with the consequences of the choice. Ironically, I’m more stable now than I have ever been. So, why change my meds now? I need to remain stable in order to complete my research within the next year or sooner. Switching meds at this point would hamper my ability to function during the transition. I can’t afford that time. I don’t believe my doctor is acting in my best interest. Maybe I will choose Lithium in the future, but not now while I’m doing well and being productive.

How much say does the “consumer,” “client,” or “patient” have? When should one listen to the “expert” and when should one make their own decisions?

SAMSHA (The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration/Center for Mental Health Services ) (http://www.samhsa.gov/) defines recovery as:

Mental health recovery is a journey and transformation enabling a person with a mental health problem to live a meaningful life in a community of his or her choice while striving to achieve his or her full potential.

(http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=recoverysteps, 11/27/2007)

“Recovering is like a trip down the yellow brick road. At some point along the way you will realize that, all along, you were smart, brave and had heart. More importantly, you will come to learn that you are the Wizard. You’ll also discover that Kansas is long way away and that your return trip begins with one step at a time.”  – James B.

James B.  defines “recovery.”

“I try not to use the word “recovery”, as I feel that this word is misrepresentative and inaccurate.  We are recovering, just as, for example, alcoholics and drug abusers are recovering.”

(http://www.bipolarworld.net/Stories/james.htm, 11/26/2007)

I’m a graduate student at the School for International Training in Brattleboro, Vermont. I’m in the process of writing my thesis on the lived experience of people with bipolar illness. I want to know what “recovery” means to people with bipolar. I ask this question because literature on mental illness/health refers to this point in time as the “recovery movement.” I take great personal interest in my topic as I grapple with my own bipolar diagnosis. February of 2008 will mark the first anniversary of the beginning of my recovery. So, I’ve become the Bipolar Researcher to learn from others who have gone down this path before me. Who better to inform the world about bipolar illness than those who have the illness?